


intimacy

by spinnerofyarns



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Jared's tragic past, M/M, Scars, Suicide attempt mentioned, and also cuddling and smooching, i'm not entirely awful though i did give him a friend, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 12:12:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7573624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinnerofyarns/pseuds/spinnerofyarns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared tells - and shows - Richard things only a few people know about him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	intimacy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! If you're reading this and/or if you've ever enjoyed anything I've written, I hope you'll consider participating in the SV fan fundraiser for CAIR and the ACLU. You can donate anytime between now and March 15, and any little bit helps! Go here for more info: https://svagainsttyranny.tumblr.com/

            Jared had never liked his body very much. It was too tall, too bony – so bony, in fact, that even in his few good foster homes doctors had always asked pointed questions about his eating habits – too pale, too needy, always too much. And that was even before he thought about the scars and injuries hidden under his clothes. Most of his previous relationships had ended after a few dates, when he’d taken his lover home and they’d both gotten undressed. Some continued for a few more encounters, always with the lights off. He’d learned very quickly that nobody could ever love someone as damaged as he was.

            Which was why he was procrastinating on sleeping with Richard. They’d gone on five official dates already, and even more unofficial ones, where they cuddled on the couch and watched movies. Everything was going so well. Jared was so happy, happier than he had been in years. He didn’t want anything to ruin it, especially not his body.

But Jared could tell Richard wanted to take things further, that he was getting impatient, and it scared him because what if Richard left him even before his – hideous, damaged, fundamentally _wrong_ – body had a chance to ruin everything?

            Richard brought it up at the end of one of their unofficial movie night dates, curled up beside Jared on the couch as they watched the credits of _Easy A_ scroll up the screen.

            “Let’s go to bed,” he said, taking Jared’s hand.

            Jared’s heart caught in his throat. “Do you mean – do you want – um – together?” he stammered.

            Richard buried his face in Jared’s shoulder. “Oh god. I was – well – yes but if you don’t…” he trailed off, too embarrassed to finish the sentence.

            Jared bit his lip. “I…it’s complicated, Richard.”

            _God, I’m such a freak,_ he thought, _even sex is complicated. Now Richard’s definitely going to leave me._

            But Richard was still there. He lifted his head off of Jared’s shoulder to look him in the eye. “It’s okay, Jared, we don’t need to do anything, we can just cuddle if that’s what you’re comfortable with. I didn’t mean – I’m sorry.”

            “No, I want to,” Jared said, “it’s just that…” He trailed off, not quite sure how to explain.

            “It’s okay. Forget about it. I’m sorry. I’m just going to – “ Richard started to get up, and Jared couldn’t stop himself from grabbing Richard’s hand.

            “Wait!”

            Richard sat back down on the couch, eyes fixed on Jared. “What’s wrong?”

            Jared took a deep breath. “Richard…well, you know about my childhood,” he began.

            Richard nodded. “Yes, but what – Jared, did someone – did they –“

            “What? Oh! No. No! Nothing like that, but…well…near-constant physical abuse does leave its marks and…”Jared fidgeted with the collar of his shirt.

            “Jared, it’s okay,” Richard said. “Don’t worry about it. I love you.”

            Jared took a deep shaky breath. _He loves you. He loves you. You’re safe._ “I love you too,” he said. “I’m just not sure I’m…in the right headspace for sex right now.”

            “That’s okay. Whatever you want,” Richard brought Jared’s hand to his lips and kissed the bony knuckles gently.

            “I think I just want to cuddle, if that’s okay,” Jared said, “and…maybe talk about…stuff.”

            “Okay,” Richard said. “We can do that.”

*   *   *

            They were curled up in Richard’s loft bed, wrapped around each other, and Richard was just starting to nod off when Jared quietly said, “I want to show you something, Richard,”

            “Mmm?”

            “What we were talking about earlier. The scars. I…you deserve to know.” _I trust you._

Richard sat up, alert and awake. Jared followed suit, not breaking eye contact.

            “Are you sure? I mean – you don’t have to – is this something you want or something you feel like you _have_ to do?” Richard asked.

            “I’m not sure. Both, I think.” Jared tugged at the neck of his white t-shirt – Richard never understood how he kept them so ridiculously, almost luminously white, especially given the inconsistent functionality of the incubator’s washing machine – and Richard could see his hand shaking.

            “Okay,” Richard said. “Okay. Jared. Breathe. You’re okay. You’re safe, I’m here, I love you. Take a deep breath.”

            Jared took a shaky breath, then another, and another. “Okay,” he said, and pulled his shirt off over his head, exposing prominent ribs and collarbones and a swathe of soft creamy pale skin.

            Richard’s eyes zeroed in on the right side of Jared’s collarbone, which was marked by a large, painful-looking burn scar. Under the scar were the words “be brave” in tidy black cursive script.

            Never in his wildest fantasies – and he had more than he cared to admit about Jared – had Richard imagined Jared having a tattoo. Yet, there it was, right below the scar that Jared was now explaining.

            “One of my foster mothers put out cigarettes on me whenever I did something she didn’t like,” he said quietly. “Mostly on my back, but once during an argument she threw a cigarette and hit me there. My shirt melted around the cigarette and probably made it worse, because it ended up getting infected and I had to go the hospital, and then CPS moved me to a new family. I was about 14.”

            Richard wasn’t sure whether he wanted to cry or scream. It was unbearable to think that anyone could ever have hurt Jared, yet there he was, calmly talking about being burned with cigarettes as if it was a normal part of anyone’s childhood. Richard settled for pressing a gentle kiss to the scar.

            “What about the tattoo?” he asked.

            “I got it in college. It’s – those were my mother’s last words to me.” Jared’s voice got even quieter, and he absentmindedly traced a fingertip along the tattoo.

            Richard had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. He pulled Jared into a tight hug, running his fingers over the burn scars on Jared’s back and shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

            “Why?” Jared asked. “It isn’t your fault.”

            “Yes but…I’m sorry you had to go through it at all.” Richard said, burying his face in Jared’s chest. “I love you.”

            “I love you too, Richard.” Jared said, kissing the top of his boyfriend’s – _boyfriend!!!!_ – head.

            They lay back down on the bed, and Richard snuggled up against Jared again. As he shifted, his knee dug into Jared’s left thigh, and Jared let out a pained hiss.

            “What’s wrong?” Richard asked, instantly alert again. “Are you okay? Did I – I’m so sorry Jared darling oh my god are you all right?”

            “I’m fine. It’s just an old injury, it’s nothing.” Jared waved it off. Richard looked concerned.

            “What happened?”

            “I – it’s nothing.”

            “If it still hurts, it’s…not nothing.” Richard winced at how awkward that sounded.

            Jared sighed. He took Richard’s hand under the blanket and guided his fingers to the soft smooth skin of his inner thigh. Richard could feel a raised scar there, a jagged uneven gash about 5 inches long.

            “What happened?” he asked, and instantly regretted it when Jared swallowed hard and took a shaky breath. “Never mind. You don’t have to talk. It’s okay. I love you.”

            “No, Richard, you should know. I want you to know. I tried to kill myself when I was in college.”

            “Jared – “

            “Let me finish. Please.” Jared pressed a finger to Richard’s lips. “I cut – tried to cut, I should say – my femoral artery. Not very many people know this, but it bleeds a lot more than the carotid. The only problem is, it’s harder to reach. I used a kitchen knife, but I only managed that one cut before I passed out. One of my floormates found me and called an ambulance.” He paused. “She visited me in the hospital afterwards, and we ended up becoming very close friends when I got back. We still are, actually – her name’s Cynthia, and she’s a psychiatrist in New York who works closely with the foster care system and CPS.” He paused again, and took another deep breath. “This might seem dramatic but…she’s the reason I survived undergrad. She was always there when I needed her, and she always listened and she…she’s always been so kind to me, even when no one else was.” _Even when I didn’t deserve it_ , he thought but did not say. “She says I inspired her to go into psychiatry and social work.” He paused again, stared into Richard’s eyes for a few heartbeats in silence. “Until now, she was the only person who knew about…that, or about any of my scars. She went with me when I got my tattoo.” He laughed softly. “I didn’t know I’d picked the most painful location for a tattoo, and I passed out afterwards so she had to practically carry me back to our dorm.” He paused. “I suppose the mental image is funnier if you know that she’s 5’3” and did ballet in high school and college.”

            Richard snorted at the mental image of a petite ballerina carrying lanky string-bean Jared across campus. “You’ve never mentioned her,” he said.

            “She’s never come up,” Jared shrugged. “She called me last week, actually – she wanted to know if I’d be at the Vassar alumni reunion in October.”

            “Do you want to go?” Richard asked.

            “It would be nice to see her again,” Jared said, “but…I think we need to focus on getting Pied Piper up and running right now, and we don’t have time to take any breaks. Plus I’m not sure how interesting it would be for you, hanging out on the Vassar campus.”

            Richard made a thoughtful noise. “I mean,” he said, “right now Pied Piper is in a good place, and it’s relatively stable – I mean, I have no idea what will happen 6 months from now, but if you really wanted to, we could go to New York next weekend and just spend some time with her.”

            Jared’s face lit up. “Are you sure?” he asked. “I mean, she wants to meet you, but are you sure you want to go all the way to New York just to meet my friend?”

            “She’s important to you, Jared,” Richard said. “Of course I do.” He yawned. “I’m going to pass out right now, but we can talk about this in the morning, okay?”

            As Richard snuggled into Jared’s chest and drifted off to sleep, Jared smiled at the ceiling. Richard really was the best boyfriend he’d ever had.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so so sorry


End file.
